So, the other day, I did something quite unthinkable. I conducted what one of my friends referred to as an "investigation into my past."
I asked one of the guys from our high school group of friends why he thought no one had ever asked me out in high school.
I know you are all terrified by this, I was too, but i figured even though it is something that people don't usually ask, I really wanted to know. needed to know. and I knew that this guy would know the answer if there was something to know, and that he would give me a straight up honest answer. he really is the only person I ever would have asked this question of among any of the guys i have ever known. ok, straight guys i have ever known. lets face it, i needed a heterosexual, alpha male perspective on this.
It actually went quite well. I have my own ideas of what I was like in high school, and it was very good to get a different perspective on myself.
I remembered being a geek with a zitty face, bad hair, and hardly any friends.
That stuff didn't even make it into his recollections. He remembered liking being around me because I was "smart, funny, and always in a good mood." The only thing he remembered that he didn't like about my appearance was my short upper lip, and my flat bum, which he admitted are only personal preferences.
He actually liked the way I dressed, and my long neck, my beautiful hands, and my eyes. My "get lost in them for a thousand years enchanting. like have to throw your eyes in the pits of mordor enchanting" eyes.
oh, and my "gigantic knocks"
He said it was probably my smartness that scared guys off, "guys were just intimidated by a woman that could be more alpha male than the males could." he says guys have fragile egos and think that if they are not dominant they are doing something wrong. plus, i didn't seem to be interested in the stuff guys are interested in, and guys are pretty self-absorbed.
All in all, i found it a pretty good exercise. I am still processing how to incorporate these ideas into my life, but it was really good to see what kind of a lasting impression I make on people, and how the fragile high school male ego perceived it all.